For several years I’ve wondered what home is, where it is, and what it looks like. Is it an old farmhouse like what I grew up in, with vibrantly colorful gardens and a little brook? Or is it a sunny bungalow with a big front porch? Is it here or there, near or far? Who lives in that home with me? A loving partner, a giggling bunch of kiddos, a dog, a cat, a chameleon? Who comes to visit? Mary Jane’s Farm magazine contributor, Rebekah Teal, said it best in the January 2015 issue:
“I believe “home” might be a special combination of unique things, things that are different for each person. When those things come together at exactly the right place and the right moment in time, something fabulous and comforting and almost magical happens. That something is called “home”.”
Lately I haven’t felt at home in a lot of ways. I certainly have a fantastic network of friends who give me a sense of home, but my soul is yearning for something else, some other missing piece of the puzzle. I’ve certainly never been a city girl, but this place has it’s perks. I can’t think of any other store like The Playful Needle that sells hundreds of colors of Appleton Crewel wool that I use for my tapestries. Or how about the seemingly endless options for health food stores so that I don’t have to eat another donut from all of the seemingly endless donut shops that keep opening up? And then there’s the nature and the temperate weather… it’s all kept me here for so long, satisfied and secure.
And then last month, I realized what my soul needs right now is a return to my roots, to my soil, the part of the earth I grew up on. I don’t know what I’ll find back there in between the foothills of the rugged White Mountains and the soothing tides of the Atlantic. Maybe it will be the place I call home, maybe it will offer me some healing, but I know it will definitely give me the space for peace and quiet reflection. As I’ve put the pressure on myself to find this “home” sooner rather than later, I’ve realized how defining and narrow this goal is. I’m looking for a place to call home, but more importantly I’m looking for all of the things I can say yes to.
It’s been a heartbreaking past several weeks as more and more friends and co-workers learn of my leaving. Unfortunately saying yes sometimes means saying good-bye to loved ones as they see you off on your next adventure. I’ve done this before when I moved here, with no clue how I was going to make it in a place I had never lived before. And now I can look back with gratitude and awe at how far I’ve come, and the gift the journey has been. I’ve felt so much gratitude for my job, my boss, my team, my benefits, my amazing friends, discovering my calling as a tapestry artist, the abundance of nature, I almost can’t believe I would ever dream of leaving it. I actually look forward to going to work because I’ll get to see my friends and nerd out on supplements. Sure, I’d also really like to nerd out on art and tapestry weaving, but I’ve always felt extremely appreciative of this job I worked so hard to get. So why am I leaving? Please don’t ask me, because I’m running out of tissues.
I’m finally back into my meditation routine after several weeks of feeling like I should be spending that special time packing and crying – that was my sign I should have been meditating in the first place. I’m working on taking things one day at a time. Instead of dreading my last day of work, saying my final farewells, and that moment when I step onto the plane with a one-way ticket, I’m looking up at the trees displaying their fireworks of blossoms against the bright blue sky. This spring has come early and with such vibrancy and energy I’ve wondered if it’s just trying to remind me of why I love it here so that I’ll stay.
I’ve been really enjoying my spring cleaning as well, getting rid of so much stuff I thought was valuable to me, but really isn’t. It’s a wonderful feeling to only own the things that bring me joy, instead of drowning in all of the crap I could… potentially… maybe (never) use someday. Angel food cake pan? Haven’t used that in over five years. The ugly mug I’ve never used? Gone. It makes me wonder why I haven’t done this sooner! It feels so cathartic and freeing, a release of the past so I can step into the new unencumbered and ready to receive the blessings and gifts that life has to offer me. I’m ready to say yes to this beautiful, sometimes bittersweet, but always inspiring life of mine.